3 Ways to Make Boundaries Easier
3 Ways to Make Boundaries Easier
I’ve encountered many moms who struggle to say “no'“ - aka saying yes under the circumstances in which you would actually like to say no. This need to overextend oneself is a recipe for burnout. I too, have experienced it, and I don’t think anyone is actually immune to it.
But despite the burnout that may follow when moms overextend themselves, many continue to put others’ needs before their own. I believe that many mothers have a heart for serving, and that is a beautiful quality. However, I also believe that if moms are to continue serving with a grateful heart, they need to show up for themselves too. Moms are great at pouring from an empty cup. We do it all the time; it doesn’t mean it’s sustainable.
If saying yes to anything or everything doesn’t bother you or interfere with your values, this message may not resonate with you, and that is perfectly fine. For some, your superpower may be saying no comfortably and without pause. For others, you may have a harder time saying no. You find yourself doing things you don’t really want to do or attending events/activities that you don’t quite want to dedicate your time and energy to. And eventually, you experience burnout. So, if you’re struggling with saying “no” and find yourself feeling depleted and exhausted as a result, this message is for you. I’ve outlined some suggestions that may help you navigate this internal battle between meeting your needs and the needs of others.
Know Your Yes
-First and foremost, know your YES. What are you willing to say yes to without feeling burdened and overwhelmed? And more importantly, how does this align with your values? This brings me to the next point.
Identify Your Values
-Identify your values. What are your values? For example, you may value personal growth, so ask yourself: Does saying yes to _________(this person/event/activity/situation) bring me closer to my value of personal growth? Or maybe you value connection with family – does saying yes to ________ (this person/event/activity/situation) bring me closer to my value of connecting with my family?
Revisit Your Values Often
-Once you identify your values, revisit them often. Reevaluate them when necessary (because life and people change). Your values are like the cardinal directions (north, south, east, west), and your behaviors guide you in the direction you want or choose to go to. When you can align your actions with your values, and your values with your actions, you can feel a bit more comfortable offering gentle declines and no’s.
Further Reflection
So my question for you is, what do you worry about if you say no?
I’ve observed that a great deal of the fear stems from not wanting to let people down or worries about what others may think of you. Sometimes, it seems easier to completely avoid any sort of discomfort by just saying yes. However, when you say yes to something you may not have the energy, time, or motivation for (time and time again), it becomes insincere. This may lead to resentment down the road, either towards yourself or towards others. And at the same time, you are perpetuating a message to yourself that your needs don’t matter.
Think about your childhood. What messages from your childhood may have led you to believe that if you say no you’re letting someone down? These messages that you may have received over and over throughout your childhood likely instilled various beliefs on what it means to put others first, say no, or what healthy boundaries look like. So when you reflect on your childhood, consider being honest with yourself about the experiences that may have impacted the beliefs you carry around the idea of saying no.
Putting boundaries in place, with ourselves and with others, can be challenging to do, especially if you tend to be a people pleaser. It’s in your nature to say yes, and your body has been conditioned to this particular way of being. I’m not saying you should start saying no to everything because that can be an isolating place to be; however, when you’re constantly saying yes, it may eventually do more harm than good. The longer you’ve been doing this, the harder it is going to be to write a new narrative. Once you start, keep going, and be mindful that certain seasons of life will permit you to say yes to more things while other seasons may not. It’ll be important to continue reevaluating your values; sometimes you can do more, sometimes you can do less. If you’re looking for more additional resources to help with your mental health as a mom, check out my e-learning resources here.
All the best,