6 Reasons Your Mother-Daughter Relationship can Change After Baby
6 Reasons your Mother-Daughter Relationship can Change After Baby
Stepping into motherhood is a big deal. So much can change; friendships, relationships, careers, priorities, values, goals, dreams, ambitions…and one of the bigger changes that may take place is the relationship between mothers and daughters. Maybe the changes that take place surface from old wounds that have made themselves known, or perhaps they are new as you each figure out your present role(s). Each dynamic between mother and daughter is unique, and sometimes, the relationship becomes complicated or difficult particularly after the daughter steps into her own role as mother.
You start to really reflect on your own upbringing
Becoming a parent really has a way of bringing up the past. This is a normal reaction when you have your own little(s) to raise. Things that you may have previously glossed over now have your full attention. You suddenly become aware of memories you may have repressed, pushed aside, or dismissed. This may bring up a lot of hurt, open up old wounds, or provide insight into various relationship dynamics that don’t really sit well with you. And ultimately, you would like to do things differently.
Uncertainty about how much involvement you want from your mother
You realize that raising children takes a village, and you struggle to find the delicate balance of figuring it out and asking for help. You want autonomy and independence, and parental support when needed. This may be particularly challenging as you begin to acknowledge and appreciate that you are two different people with separate identities.
Generational gap and cultural differences in child-rearing
The perspective that daughters would follow in the footsteps of their mothers has certainly shifted. It isn’t often that daughters make the same career choices as their mothers, whether that includes being a stay at home mom or working outside of the home. The ways in which families come together and children are raised has also shifted, in addition to mixed cultural practices that may influence child-rearing. All this to say that big differences in raising children can create conflict in the relationship.
Struggles letting go of the parent-child role
When daughters become adults and mothers, it may stir up feelings of uncertainty and loss for your mother. She is suddenly reminded of her former responsibilities, and she may feel that you no longer need her. In an attempt for her to hold onto that which she is familiar with, you may start to feel suffocated. She may struggle to realize that you’re a unique person with independence to seek her when needed and on your own terms. Your efforts to create some space so you can learn and grow may be met with resistance, and thus, conflict.
Challenges with boundaries
In some instances, mothers may find it difficult to trust their daughter’s decisions and choices, especially if they are choices mom does not agree with. This tends to be amplified when you start your own family, and you might find that your mother is telling you what to do, how to do it, when to do it, or the “right” way to do it, without room for fostering independence and confidence in your parenting decisions. It may leave you feeling hurt and resentment as she communicates, directly or indirectly, “You are not capable.”
Mental health concerns
Maybe your mother/daughter relationship is conflicted or even estranged as a result of mental health related issues. Maybe your mother struggles with a drug or alcohol problem or an untreated mental health concern that is greatly impacting your relationship. Maybe this has been the case for as long as you can remember or it may be a recent development. Or perhaps you’re struggling with your mental health. Undoubtedly, unaddressed mental health problems will inevitably impact any relationship dynamic.
A lot of factors influence the mother/daughter relationship, and the points listed above are not all-inclusive given that each relationship is unique. It does; however, highlight some of the prominent areas that tend to complicate the dynamic in the mother/daughter relationship especially after daughter begins her own motherhood journey. If you resonate with any part of this post, you may find my e-learning resources helpful. You can learn about your mental health as a mother and things you can do to continue showing up for those you love.
Until next time,