Mom Anger
Anger in Motherhood
People get angry.
Moms get ragey.
And you may be wondering, when did I become such an angry person? You weren’t angry before you became a mom, and now suddenly anger seems to flare up on multiple occasions.
I believe that if we are going to change the way we respond to situations that trigger feelings of anger, we need to look at anger from a different perspective. Often, anger is viewed as something bad, but I want you to know that you’re not a bad person for getting angry.
Anger is a normal human reaction to (perceived) stress. That being said, I know getting angry or rage-y doesn’t feel good. In the process, you also become familiar with anger’s best friends, guilt, shame, and regret. And let’s face it, no mother wants their children to remember her as an angry mom.
So let’s unpack anger a bit.
Primary and Secondary Emotions
Anger may sometimes be a secondary emotion. When we talk about emotions, there are two categories we can look at: primary and secondary emotions. If we break it down, primary emotions are pretty easy to understand - they are basically your reaction to something external, such as feeling anxious about traveling with your children, or getting angry when you drop something really heavy on your foot. The feeling subsides when the event is over.
Secondary emotions are when you feel something about the feeling itself, such as feeling anger about being hurt. I find that while some instances of anger can be primary, when it comes to motherhood, there is more to anger than “just anger.” It lingers. And that’s because, usually, other feelings lie beneath the surface of anger; feelings such as hurt, embarrassment, guilt, or rejection.
Anger as a Secondary Emotion
Anger is good at what it does though. It acts a protector. It protects you from the feelings that are too difficult to make sense of in a given point in time, but it can only be effective for so long before it turns into a big(ger) problem. By understanding what lies beneath the anger, you can start to shift your responses and perspective while acknowledging what is really beneath the surface.
I find the anger iceberg to be an effective visual representation of the emotions that anger can mask. Anger is at the tip of the iceberg, and underneath the water, where the larger part of the iceberg is, you have all of these other emotions that you may be experiencing without being totally aware of them.
So after you have an anger or rage episode, it’s important to ask yourself, what is really hurting you? These hurts may stem from other areas in your life such a pressures at work, your marriage, relationships with family and friends, or (which is often the culprit) your childhood.
Take the time to look at what anger is trying to tell you. As Chip Ingram says, “Anger is like a check engine light; it lets you know there is something under the hood that needs to be addressed.”
Sometimes, anger is built on expectations. We expect our children to behave or act a certain way, and they don’t. We expect our partner’s to step in and offer relief without expressing our needs, and they don’t. Anger takes place in this gap between expectation and reality, and the further your expectations may be from reality, the more likely anger will surface. Adjusting our expectations to narrow this gap makes our responses more fitting or appropriate to the situation. Get your Visible Motherhood workbook to learn exactly how.
There is a lot to unpack when it comes to anger or rage. And sometimes, it can be a symptom of a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, like postpartum depression or anxiety. Sometimes, it can be the result of just plain burnout. But learning to recognize anger as a valid emotion when it’s experienced AND as a protector of feelings that are too difficult to confront can be really meaningful. It may open doors to much needed conversations with yourself or your loved ones. If at the end of the day, you struggle with intense anger or rage, reach out for help. You can connect with me for individual therapy sessions or visit the various resources I have available.
All the best,