Why More Help Won't Fix Your Mom Rage (And What Will Help)
Why More Help Won't Fix Your Mom Rage
And What Will Help
If you’ve ever found yourself daydreaming about a life with more support - a partner who does more, a friend who picks up the slack, a grandma who lives next door…you’re not alone. And that fantasy makes so much sense. When you’re running on fumes and holding it all together with dry shampoo and leftover snacks, more help feels like the answer to everything.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I need you to hear it. Even if you had all the help in the world, your anger wouldn’t magically disappear.
That deep, consuming rage that bubbles over when your toddler throws a tantrum after you’ve had little to no time alone, or when your older kiddos are having yet another fight? It doesn’t just come from being busy or exhausted. It comes from what’s underneath. And until you understand what all that stuff is underneath, more help might take the edge off, but it won’t eliminate your rage.
So let’s talk about what’s really going on. And what to do about it.
The Fantasy of Help
It’s so tempting to believe that your rage is caused solely by external things. And sometimes, those external things might push you over the edge - no one is their best self when they’re running on broken or little sleep, facing constant demands, or getting very little breaks. So it’s natural to assume that the solution is simple: just give me a little more help.
“If my husband just pitched in more at bedtime...”
“If my mom came over a few times a week...”
“If I could afford a sitter even once a week...”
And yes, those things could help. They would lower your stress load. You might even feel a little more like yourself for a bit. But if you’ve ever finally gotten a break, only to still feel tense, irritable, or even guilty...then you know that help doesn’t fix everything.
Why Support ALONE Isn’t the Magic Fix
Here’s what support can do:
Lighten your mental and physical load
Offer moments of rest and connection
Help you feel less alone and more seen
But here’s what it can’t do:
Unpack the years of emotional labor you’ve carried
Heal your resentment, guilt, or shame
Rewire your beliefs about motherhood, worthiness, or control
Teach you how to reconnect with your body’s cues when you’re activated
Mom rage often comes from chronic emotional overload. It's not just about what’s on your plate - it’s about the invisible expectations, unprocessed emotions, and constant suppression of your own needs that have built up over time. And unless you reflect and look at those pieces, the rage will keep surfacing.
What’s Actually Underneath the Rage
If you peel back the layers of anger, here’s what you’ll often find:
Resentment over being the default parent
Loneliness in feeling like no one understands how hard this is
Grief for the parts of yourself that have been lost since becoming a mom
Fear of messing up your kids or not being “good enough”
Shame for not being able to “keep it together”
Anger is the body’s alarm system. It says, “Something here isn’t right.” But if you’re not taught how to listen to it, you shame it, ignore it, or try to silence it with more productivity or self-blame.
So what actually helps? It’s not a checklist or a one-size-fits-all solution. But it is work you can start today. Here’s where to begin:
1. Understand Your Triggers
Start paying attention to the moments when rage bubbles up. What’s happening in your body? What thoughts are rushing through your mind? What story are you telling yourself? Becoming aware of the patterns is the first step to changing them.
2. Name What You’re Feeling (Besides Angry)
Anger is often a secondary emotion (not always, but a lot of the time), and it masks deeper feelings like fear, guilt, overwhelm, or sadness. Try asking yourself, “If I couldn’t say I’m angry right now, what else might be going on?”
3. Explore the Expectations You’ve Internalized
Reflect on the following:
What do I believe a “good mom” is supposed to do?
Where did I learn that?
Is that belief helping me or burning me out?
This step alone can open the door to so much healing. But you also have to do something with the answers you have for these, you have to take some sort of action based on your responses here.
4. Reconnect with Your Body’s Cues (Not Just “Regulate”)
Rage doesn’t start in the mind. It starts in the body. That heat rising in your chest? The clenching in your jaw? The urge to yell, to slam, to leave the room? Those are all your body’s way of saying “I’m not okay right now.” So are you listening? Like actually listening…or have you become desensitized to those cues?
When you're in a mom rage episode, your body has shifted into a stress response - fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And when you’re chronically overwhelmed, your nervous system starts to interpret everyday challenges as actual threats.
So instead of just “regulating,” let’s talk about something deeper: learning to listen to your body and respond to what it’s trying to say. Rather than jumping into a list of strategies, try asking:
What is my body asking from me? Can I meet that need?
Do I feel safe right now, not just physically, but emotionally?
Am I bracing, holding tension, or shutting down?
Sometimes the most powerful response isn’t a “technique” at all…it’s placing a hand on your chest, softening your shoulders, and noticing that you’re activated. From there, you can make a conscious choice, rather than reacting from that survival state.
Yes, movement, sensory input, and grounding can be helpful, but you have to build a relationship with your body where it knows you’re finally listening.
So, Is Support Still Important?
Absolutely. You are not meant to do this alone. But support is just one piece of the puzzle.
It doesn’t replace the work of processing your emotions, shifting your mindset, and healing your inner world. If you rely on support alone to fix the rage, you’re left feeling confused when it doesn’t work, and you’ll end up blaming yourself even more.
You deserve both support and the chance to understand yourself on a deeper level.
The next time you find yourself spiraling, ask yourself:
What story am I believing right now?
What emotion is hiding underneath this rage?
What unmet need is trying to speak up?
The answers might surprise you.
And if you’re ready to go deeper, to stop just getting through the day and start actually understanding what’s fueling the anger, I’m here for that work with you. You can start with my free Mom Anger Quiz, check out the upcoming round of my Angry Moms Boot Camp, or connect with me for individual therapy.
Because while support is helpful, it isn’t the only answer.
In the trenches with you,
Dr. Alice Pickering